I started this blog mainly as a journal for my thoughts. Mainly as an outlet cos sometimes there's just too many thoughts running rampant in my head and writing, or in these modern times, typing it all out allows me some kind of relief from being burdened by so much unnecessary thinking. Plus, I've actually always liked to write.
Usually, the things I talk about here are true to the name, and nature, of this blog. It's frivolous. It's about my shopping or it's about Kimi Raikkonen, perhaps a lil bit about my numerous celebrity temporary crushes. Just random stuff that take up some head space. Occasionally, and I do it so rarely, I'll talk about things that do actually matter. Things that honestly do disturb me at a more than superficial level.
I have gone back and forth with myself too many times in the past couple of months trying to figure out whether it is better to internalize or to get it all out here. As much as I want this to be an anonymous blog, to which I have taken great pains to ensure it reveals as little as possible about my real identity, ultimately, whatever you leave out there in cyberspace, isn't as untraceable as one would think. Everything we do online does leave a digital footprint and my concern is that even if I unpublish this post after this, there'll always be some piece of it somewhere. But I feel like I have to put fingers to keyboard and type it all out for me to be able to get a better perspective on the situation I find myself in. So my conundrum is whether I type out the mess in my head that has been bothering me since the start of November or do I try to reconcile everything with myself as I've been trying to do even now?
Obviously after wrestling with this awhile, more so in the past couple of days, I have decided to see if typing it all out will at least give me some peace of mind. I really hope it does because I can't allow it to take up my sanity. I want to let it all out there and see if that will help to stop the replays, the thoughts, the confusion.....so here goes.
Back in November of last year, I went back to Homeland to surprise my dad during a planned birthday luncheon. My eldest sis thought up my surprise appearance - bringing me back to Homeland and putting me up at her place overnight. She and I fed misleading Facebook posts on her feed implying my disappointment at not being able to join the soiree. All done to dupe my family - who are rabid Facebook users - since we do have a tendency to play this 'surprise appearance' card one too many times. It was successful, no one had a clue that I was in the country, all my immediate family thought I was sulky at being left out of the festivities at the swanky, colonial-themed hotel. However, the morning of the luncheon, my aunt from my mom's side invited our extended family living in the area to her house for an impromptu mini get-together. My sis asked me if I wanted to go to that, considering that I stay overseas and rarely get to be involved in these extended get-togethers anyway but I decided not to since I suspected my other sis suspected I was home. So to sell the whole I'm-really-back-in-Workland-and-have-no-plans-to-surprise-Dad concept, I stayed at her apartment that morning by myself. My brother-in-law also did not go to this get-together because he had a pre-arranged breakfast meeting. So as I spent quality time watching back episodes of Running Man on my sister's big screen TV, my sis went to this gathering with my baby nephew Danial and played her part.
Now that the beginning is done, here is where we get to the disturbing part. As I was watching the first Park Ji Sung guest star epi of Running Man, my brother-in-law came home. Now, I've blogged before about how tetchy and crazy a relationship my family has with him. And how much I disliked him, hated him, loathed him. I've said all that before in my blog when i was telling the story of how crazy controlling and manipulative he was with my sister. I wrote about how I cried like someone died when I found out she was pregnant cos I knew there was no way she was going to leave him now. I will admit even that a small part of me wanted her to lose the baby so she wouldn't be tied down. Yes, yes, I am awful. I was really concerned for our family, this guy was tearing us apart with all the craziness and the secrets we had to keep between us sisters and my mom from our dad, who we were afraid would go ballistic and get his shotgun and shoot someone if he knew even a third of the things that went on early in their marriage. But when Danial came along in early february last year - who I will say I knew I was going to love no matter what, no matter whose loins he came from, he's still my blood after all - I watched my brother-in-law become a somewhat normal human being. Those first few months after the birth, he really seemed to be trying to make amends for the shit he put all of us through. He didn't apologize or anything but he seemed to have a behavioral transplant or something. So, as I love my sister and I love my nephew, I told myself that despite ALL that had happened, I will give this a chance. I will not be hateful, I will try to be civil. I thought that for the sake of our family harmony, I will be a bigger person and put aside the past, start anew. Things went along fine. I could actually have civil conversations with him without bristling or sneering in disdain. We were actually pretty pleasant. Until that morning on November 2nd. I honestly have so many thoughts about that morning. I wonder a lot about why it happened.
So.....he came back from his meeting as I was watching Running Man. Truthfully, we had never been in a situation where it was me and him alone since he married my sister. If I were to say it was all fine, I'd be lying. I was very nervous about the whole situation considering we were all previously in a bad place with him. But I managed to put up this facade, I tried to look as nonchalant as possible, as unconcerned as I could muster. We talked a lil bit about Running Man since all three of us sisters were going through a lil bit of a phase watching the back eps. Then we talked about stuff in Workland. I figured we were both managing the awkward situation rather well. Then we moved on to talking about our upcoming family trip to Phuket at the end of the month. This is where things just went wrong.
My sis, his wife, had paid for her two sisters to complete the PADI open water diving course. She had gotten her license in 2012 along with my bro-in-law and had been waxing lyrical about how amazing scuba diving was and how we should all get into it together. I initially was ambivalent about the whole thing. I wasn't a particularly strong swimmer and was worried I was gonna fail the test. Plus, I am very prone to ear infections from something as benign as taking a shower so what more if I was immersing my entire being into the ocean. But the scuba fees were paid, the flight tickets purchased and the 5-star accommodations booked. Despite my misgivings about being a complete failure - and failing is one of my biggest fears - one month before the trip, I signed up for a 1-month health club membership at a place within walking distance from my house in Workland and made a commitment of swimming laps every other day at 5am before going to work. I was determined to be a better swimmer by the time the trip rolled around.
Hence, when he asked me if I was taking some dietary supplement my sis was eating to shed her pregnancy weight, i scoffed and told him I wasn't but I had been going swimming to prepare for the trip. He complimented me by saying I was looking leaner so in a completely nonchalant way I said I'm glad the results can be seen or not I would be very pissed all my waking up early and swimming wasn't working out. I did feel uncomfortable about the compliment but thought not to overthink. He got a call from my sis just then, they talked a bit and then they hung up. As soon as the call ended, my phone rang. It was my sis. She asked me what I was doing and told me my bro-in-law was on his way to the apartment. I told her that he was already sitting on the couch and we were talking. She laughed and just said that she was on the way back too. We hung up. After that, my bro-in-law and I talked a lil bit more about swimming and exercise before falling quiet. I tried to ignore that awkward silence, glancing from the tv screen and to him and back again to the screen. When I looked at him, he gave me this weird smile and raised his eyebrows at me. I didn't know what he was trying to convey to me so I just sort of smiled back and looked back at the tv. He was, at the beginning, sitting at the other end of the living room whilst I was sat on the floor close to the TV .
Then he started talking about how he used to run quite a bit as a workout. He's telling me that he doesn't do it anymore because after he strained his ankle one time and went to a chinese masseuse, his sprain went away but apparently the guy's massage caused his feet to have bunions. As a person who has large bunions which I inherited through the gene pool and likely exacerbated by my love of closed toe heels, I did find this odd cos I never knew that bunions could be massaged into existence but I figured I wouldn't question it. I still don't know if it's true you can get bunions like that cos I never googled it. Googling it would mean I would think about what happened and i really don't want to have replays in my head 24/7.
He was pointing out his bunions and I was like rolling my eyes and telling him mine were worse off than his. He then moved off of the 3-seater sofa and came over to the love seat that I was sitting next to on the floor. He perched himself on the edge of the seat and asked to see my foot. Since we were talking about bunions, I just put my foot out and showed him my bunion. He asked if he could touch it, I didn't think that was odd so said okay. He pressed it and was murmuring that it had hardened, and some other stuff. I didn't respond anything. He continued to sit there and we kept on talking about feet and shoes and I did remember thinking that I was uncomfortable that he was where he was but I didn't want to move away cos I really wanted things to be normal. Like a brother and a sister thing. As I'm thinking this, he was still talking about the bunion and then bent down to press it again. He asked me if it hurt, I just answered him honestly that it didn't. Then as he was withdrawing back, he patted me on my shoulder. So, here I am thinking that I'm surprised we're getting along this chummy. I mean, you feel comfortable enough to touch my bunion and pat my shoulder. Okay, I'm not but again, I don't want my general awkwardness with human contact make him think I was uncomfortable even though I am. I just wanted to be a good sister.
After he pats me, he commented that my shoulders were sturdy, that my swimming must have tightened the muscles. So we got back to discussing the swimming. And he was saying that it was good that my back was like that. He asked me to jiggle my arms, you know that part of the underarm that for most women in general is wobbly. I said that even though I've been swimming, that was still jiggly but I did it anyway. And he was saying that if I continued with the swimming after Phuket that that would definitely be trimmer. He mentioned that he also wasn't as toned there as he used to be and showed me. I just nodded along noncommittal-y - it was a surreal conversation, us talking about exercise and whatnot. I really thought we were doing well with the small talk. He then asked me if all the swimming caused any muscle knots. I said mainly that I didn't feel any knots except for a spot just beneath my left shoulder blade. He then poked a spot on my back and asked if it was there. I'm surprised but I said no, that it was little higher than that and he pressed his finger to a different spot so I just said that was the spot cos now I'm just thinking this is weird. He suddenly says sorry and puts a hand on my shoulder whilst the other hand starts kneading the spot I just said I had a knot. He is now kneeling behind me on the floor.
I'm in shock. In my head i want him to stop but I'm afraid to verbalize it. I don't know how to say it without hurting his feelings and making things awkward for us. We did just get to a place of civility. So I shut up as he massages the spot. But my body is tense cos like I said, I am awkward with contact, I can only stand it if it's my immediate family or a boyfriend. I'm extremely ticklish too. He, I believe, thinks my rigid posture is a sign of my tense muscles from the swimming and starts massaging my shoulders. I do not make any sound. He keeps massaging me. I am trying to be rigid and quiet. He then says to me, "You know, if you want a private massage, you can just ask me anytime. But we need to keep this between us, no need to tell A" (A is my sis). I heard what he said and I wanted to die. Something I have come to realize about myself is I don't typically respond in the right/sanest way when i am caught in situations like this which is to get myself away, preferably by slapping the offender, and finding a place to hide. All I could think in that moment was I really wanted to get away, to get up and go lock myself in a room till my sister came back but what stopped me was the explanation I would have to give her once she returned, what the hell do I say to my sister? What would he do if I had done that? So instead, my reply was just, "Huh?". He must have thought I didn't hear him cos he repeated his "offer" even letting out a nervous giggle at the end. I just went "Hmm" in as neutral a tone as I could manage. I don't know why I didn't just tell him to get his hands off of me, I wish, wish to God that I had not reacted the way I did. He kept on massaging my shoulders, his hands going up and down my back all the way down to my tailbone as I'm starting to have that out of body feeling like what the hell is going on and what the hell do i do?
He suddenly tells me to lie down on my front. I went, "huh?" I obviously don't want to but he pushes my back a little telling me that it will be better and I end up doing what he says. He starts massaging my legs, going from my calves to my thighs. I'm extra sensitive in the thigh area. So I started wriggling and involuntarily laughing cos I'm ticklish there. Then I hear him shushing me laughingly. He keeps doing what he's doing and again I can't help but give the same reaction. Again he shushes me but this time i tell him that I'm just a ticklish person. And he simply moves his hands back to my back, massaging me again while amusedly commenting about the knowledge about my ticklishness. His hands are on my waist which is another of my ticklish spots so I'm trying to move away from the touch and he comments again in some amused tone saying that I'm just ticklish all over. I tell him again, yes, I'm just a ticklish person so he then says, "okay, okay, i'll stop" As i'm trying to get up, he smacks my butt and tells me he couldn't help himself. I get it now when people go numb from something traumatizing, I understand why instead of fighting or fleeing that some people just take it. I learned with so much regret that day that I am that kind of person. As I get myself back into a cross legged sitting position, he, who is kneeling behind me, again puts his hand on my shoulders and massages it a few times, pressing himself into my back. The first time I feel it, I immediately arch my back away from the touch. I can't be sure but I can only think that he was pressing his erection into my back. As I type this I really want to cry but I'm tired of doing that too.
At that he say, "Okay, Okay" again and stand up. I immediately turn around and put some distance between us. He looks at my face, I am trying not to lose my shit, I honestly have no clue what my face looked like then. He is smiling and laughing a little, nervously. His breathing also sounds heavy. I just don't say anything and pick up the glass that I was drinking from earlier and went to the kitchen. He stayed in the living room. I was glad he stayed there. I was starting to freak out, the things that just happened were starting to replay in my head. I kept telling myself to calm down. I got myself a glass of water, took the glass to the sink once finished and deliberately took my time to wash the glass. I could feel his eyes on my back as he stood watching me from the living room. Once I had no more excuse to loiter, I turned around and walked out of the kitchen but stood just outside of the kitchen doorway cos he started walking to me. He started saying he was sorry as he walked up to me and he lifted his arms and tried to hug me. This time I tried to avoid him as I turned away he kept his arms around me and I felt his lips kiss me on my neck. On the left side of my neck. I still shudder when I remember it. I felt and still feel so dirty. I sometimes try to rub off the memory though I know that's not logical. As he "apologizes", he also tells me not to tell his wife. I hear myself tell him calmly, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone". My intention at the time was true, I wasn't going to tell anyone. i was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I was upset with myself. If i could keep it to myself and wish it away, I would have. I broke away from him and walked out of his grasp and as I was probably like 4 strides away, we both heard the front door key to the apartment. He gave me one last look, I feel like i saw a bit of fear on his face, before he turned to help his wife who was pushing the stroller with his son in it through the door. I stayed in my spot as I watched him play the doting husband/father before telling my sis I was gonna get changed for the luncheon.
I went into the spare bedroom where my clothes were. The moment I was inside, I locked the door and I could only look at myself in the mirror in dismay. I wanted so much to cry but I was about to go out and see my mom, dad, et al. How do I explain the tears? So I keep it bottled in. I attempt to calmly get ready. I hear my sis turning the door knob wanting to come in and telling me to open the door. I wish I could have kept that door locked. How the hell do I face my sister? I open it after a bit. I try to keep things normal. I wasn't in the drama club in high school for nothing. I know I sound like I'm making a joke but much of my life sometimes I feel that I'm constantly acting. Acting, putting up a facade so this person doesn't know a certain thing or those people don't know. I am tired. I think that's partly why i enjoy staying here in Workland by my lonesome even though i'm a mommy and daddy's girl through and through. Here in Workland, i can be myself, i don't have to pretend to keep in the knowledge of the things that I know or have happened to me from the people that I love the most.
I have many moments in a day, in a week, in the months since then that I have unfortunately recalled that day and wondered why. Why did this happen to me? I go over the way I acted up to the point he started touching me and I can't for the life of me figure out if I unwittingly encouraged him to be like that. I fucking don't believe I was being flirty, I wouldn't, I didn't even like him until after Danial was born. Even after that I was tolerating him, it was just civil. Was it the way that I acted that he perceived to be permission to act that way? I definitely don't think it was what I was wearing. It was a tee and loose yoga pants. My hair was up in a craw clip, my face was bare. I was just in lounge mode. I also wonder what kind of person he thinks I am? That I would cheat with him? That I would go for my sister's husband? That I would do that to my sister? THAT I WOULD DO THAT TO MY SISTER?!?!?! It baffles me!! Does he see me as some morally bankrupt individual that I would do that to my own flesh and blood. To my sister that i love?
I also end up wondering why this seems to always happen to me. Because the kicker is, I've also been kissed by my other sister's husband. Yes, as if one sister's husband wasn't enough, I have two who have behaved despicably towards me. That is why I always end up wondering if it is me. I don't know if the way I act with them, which is IN NO WAY girly, flirty, seductive, would be an indicator that I'm fair game to be treated this way. It seriously baffles me. BAFFLES ME. I am completely confounded by this. The occasion in which that happened was many years ago, I think I was 23 back then. My sister was working in the hospitality industry that time and wasn't back from work yet that night which was around 9:30-ish. I remember my parents were in Turkey, they were there for my dad to try out the fish doctor psoriasis treatment and were gone for about 2 months. We were all living in my childhood home, the one all of us still live in now. At the time, my sis was pregnant with her second child. I was just out of university and I was downstairs watching TV on the couch when my bro-in-law came home. He asked me where my sis was and I said that she wasn't back yet. I concentrated back on the screen when I heard him say that he had a headache. He suddenly came next to me, sat down and told me he wanted to lay his head down in my lap. Before I could say anything he had done exactly that. It was a good thing I had been holding a pillow in my lap when it happened. He seemed kinda out of it, like he was high or something. I always wonder if that night he hadn't been smoking pot or on some kind of drug or whatever before coming back cos I had never seen him act like that before. Flirty, yes, high, no. Since I have no experience in smoking joints - just eating them as a topping on pizzas, I have no clue what the smell is like, he just smelled like he normally did, like cigarette smoke since he's a pretty heavy smoker. Anyway, he asked me to massage his head, I was taken aback and really didn't want to but did as asked. Then I stopped after a bit when he said he was good and he got up from my lap. Suddenly he moved towards me which took me by surprise. I instinctively moved away but he put his hand on my face to turn my face towards him and kissed my mouth. He then said something along the lines like, see, if you didn't move then I wouldn't have had to do that. I have no clue what it meant and I am pretty sure I was very dumbstruck about what just happened. I didn't say anything. He then walked away from me and went outside the house, I presume to smoke. Immediately I ran upstairs to my parent's bedroom, locked the door and called my eldest sis to tell her what happened. She told me to stay inside and keep the door locked. After that incident, he never tried anything with me again.
I grew up with sisters. When my 2nd sis married, I thought it was nice that I would finally know what it was like to have a brother. I feel pity for that girl that I was, gosh, I was so naive. I should have known better. My second sister's husband acted weird from early on. Right after they were married and he started staying with us, he and I were downstairs in the living room one night looking at one of their wedding album. There was a picture of me in a traditional outfit. He showed me the picture and told me that he was really proud to have such a beautiful sister-in-law like me. Then he came over to where I was sitting and kissed me on the forehead. I was, again, surprised, and thought that was weird then but did not mention it to anyone till way later when this brother-in-law of mine started acting even worse and we were trying to tell my sis to make a decision about him. He made moves on my same age cousin when she was living at my house, made my uni best friend uncomfortable when she was living with me as well not to mention the 2 (? could be more, it's 2 that I know of) times he cheated on my sister. He seems to have changed in the last 3 or so years. I am as civil as I can be with him. When I am in Homeland we are all under the same roof after all. Despite everything, he is the father of the nephew and 2 nieces that I love so much. I still keep my distance from him though in the sense that I will make sure never to find myself alone with him and I'm very careful to be always fully and decently clothed around him.
Is it any wonder then that I have issues with men. They stem from very real reasons - I have 2 scummy brother-in-laws. If I can't trust the men my sister's married, how do I even begin to attempt a relationship of my own? And growing up Asian, these are not things you openly expose for all and sundry, y'know? The incidences above, my mother knows about them. When I told her what my bro-in-law did after coming back from the luncheon, where I held myself together as best as I could, even volunteering to go sit with the kids so I wouldn't have to sit at the main table where he was, cos I couldn't keep it to myself> I had every intention not to say anything but the things that happened kept replaying in my head. I needed someone to know what he did, what he had done. I needed someone not to be fooled by the act he had on - that he was still a problem we needed to be weary off. My mom sighed and generally commented what the hell was wrong with the men her daughters married. She also asked why it seemed to happen to me - I don't think she was accusing me of anything, it is something to ponder why BOTH husbands of her other daughters would treat me that way. In my fragile state of mind though, her question made me cry and I told her that I didn't encourage them and that I also wonder why this happens to me. All she could do was tell me to stay away from them. What else is there to do? My 2nd sis, at that time, had a son and a daughter on the way, how do you tell her that her husband kissed her sister? The incident that happened last year, what do I say? Oh, yeah, your apparently turned-over-a-new-leaf husband made a pass at me, he even said i could take him up on his "private massage" anytime but not to tell you about it.
Typing all this out, I dunno if this will help me or not. I still have to keep these secrets from the 2 people I love so I have no clue if unburdening all this here will be cathartic in any way. Is it fair for me to blame these incidents and some of the other stuff I have written about regarding my relationship with men as the reason for my inability to try to build a relationship with someone? I don't doubt these things have contributed to my lack of a love life. If you were to ask me when I was 18 and so in love with my first boyfriend G if this is how I saw myself turning out, I would have told you, "No Way!" I remember thinking that I'd be married by 25 and have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and I'd be happy. I was laughing at myself a couple of months ago when I thought back about that. How life skewered completely from what that girl imagined.
At the heart of it all, I'm tired. I don't want to think about what happened. I really wish I could just lock this all away in the back of my mind and not have it dredged up every time I have to be around them. I hate my vivid memory, in this case I don't consider it a good thing that I can remember every detail of the bad things that happened to me. I really want to forget it and I want to not have to face these replays. I've even started thinking that once my parents are no longer around, I want to disappear, be anonymous, be anyone. I always wonder if I have the courage to just walk away. To be honest, I don't think I do. As much as I am a loner, I love my sisters and my nephews and nieces too much. But I'm so tired of loathing them, men and myself. I find it unfair that these things that happened made me question my own behavior. Made me question how I appear to other people. Made me ask myself too many why's which i don't have the answers to. I am tired of being made to feel like I may have brought this upon myself when I believe truly in my heart that I did not. I am very tired. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, I just wish I knew why they happened to me.
Usually, the things I talk about here are true to the name, and nature, of this blog. It's frivolous. It's about my shopping or it's about Kimi Raikkonen, perhaps a lil bit about my numerous celebrity temporary crushes. Just random stuff that take up some head space. Occasionally, and I do it so rarely, I'll talk about things that do actually matter. Things that honestly do disturb me at a more than superficial level.
I have gone back and forth with myself too many times in the past couple of months trying to figure out whether it is better to internalize or to get it all out here. As much as I want this to be an anonymous blog, to which I have taken great pains to ensure it reveals as little as possible about my real identity, ultimately, whatever you leave out there in cyberspace, isn't as untraceable as one would think. Everything we do online does leave a digital footprint and my concern is that even if I unpublish this post after this, there'll always be some piece of it somewhere. But I feel like I have to put fingers to keyboard and type it all out for me to be able to get a better perspective on the situation I find myself in. So my conundrum is whether I type out the mess in my head that has been bothering me since the start of November or do I try to reconcile everything with myself as I've been trying to do even now?
Obviously after wrestling with this awhile, more so in the past couple of days, I have decided to see if typing it all out will at least give me some peace of mind. I really hope it does because I can't allow it to take up my sanity. I want to let it all out there and see if that will help to stop the replays, the thoughts, the confusion.....so here goes.
Back in November of last year, I went back to Homeland to surprise my dad during a planned birthday luncheon. My eldest sis thought up my surprise appearance - bringing me back to Homeland and putting me up at her place overnight. She and I fed misleading Facebook posts on her feed implying my disappointment at not being able to join the soiree. All done to dupe my family - who are rabid Facebook users - since we do have a tendency to play this 'surprise appearance' card one too many times. It was successful, no one had a clue that I was in the country, all my immediate family thought I was sulky at being left out of the festivities at the swanky, colonial-themed hotel. However, the morning of the luncheon, my aunt from my mom's side invited our extended family living in the area to her house for an impromptu mini get-together. My sis asked me if I wanted to go to that, considering that I stay overseas and rarely get to be involved in these extended get-togethers anyway but I decided not to since I suspected my other sis suspected I was home. So to sell the whole I'm-really-back-in-Workland-and-have-no-plans-to-surprise-Dad concept, I stayed at her apartment that morning by myself. My brother-in-law also did not go to this get-together because he had a pre-arranged breakfast meeting. So as I spent quality time watching back episodes of Running Man on my sister's big screen TV, my sis went to this gathering with my baby nephew Danial and played her part.
Now that the beginning is done, here is where we get to the disturbing part. As I was watching the first Park Ji Sung guest star epi of Running Man, my brother-in-law came home. Now, I've blogged before about how tetchy and crazy a relationship my family has with him. And how much I disliked him, hated him, loathed him. I've said all that before in my blog when i was telling the story of how crazy controlling and manipulative he was with my sister. I wrote about how I cried like someone died when I found out she was pregnant cos I knew there was no way she was going to leave him now. I will admit even that a small part of me wanted her to lose the baby so she wouldn't be tied down. Yes, yes, I am awful. I was really concerned for our family, this guy was tearing us apart with all the craziness and the secrets we had to keep between us sisters and my mom from our dad, who we were afraid would go ballistic and get his shotgun and shoot someone if he knew even a third of the things that went on early in their marriage. But when Danial came along in early february last year - who I will say I knew I was going to love no matter what, no matter whose loins he came from, he's still my blood after all - I watched my brother-in-law become a somewhat normal human being. Those first few months after the birth, he really seemed to be trying to make amends for the shit he put all of us through. He didn't apologize or anything but he seemed to have a behavioral transplant or something. So, as I love my sister and I love my nephew, I told myself that despite ALL that had happened, I will give this a chance. I will not be hateful, I will try to be civil. I thought that for the sake of our family harmony, I will be a bigger person and put aside the past, start anew. Things went along fine. I could actually have civil conversations with him without bristling or sneering in disdain. We were actually pretty pleasant. Until that morning on November 2nd. I honestly have so many thoughts about that morning. I wonder a lot about why it happened.
So.....he came back from his meeting as I was watching Running Man. Truthfully, we had never been in a situation where it was me and him alone since he married my sister. If I were to say it was all fine, I'd be lying. I was very nervous about the whole situation considering we were all previously in a bad place with him. But I managed to put up this facade, I tried to look as nonchalant as possible, as unconcerned as I could muster. We talked a lil bit about Running Man since all three of us sisters were going through a lil bit of a phase watching the back eps. Then we talked about stuff in Workland. I figured we were both managing the awkward situation rather well. Then we moved on to talking about our upcoming family trip to Phuket at the end of the month. This is where things just went wrong.
My sis, his wife, had paid for her two sisters to complete the PADI open water diving course. She had gotten her license in 2012 along with my bro-in-law and had been waxing lyrical about how amazing scuba diving was and how we should all get into it together. I initially was ambivalent about the whole thing. I wasn't a particularly strong swimmer and was worried I was gonna fail the test. Plus, I am very prone to ear infections from something as benign as taking a shower so what more if I was immersing my entire being into the ocean. But the scuba fees were paid, the flight tickets purchased and the 5-star accommodations booked. Despite my misgivings about being a complete failure - and failing is one of my biggest fears - one month before the trip, I signed up for a 1-month health club membership at a place within walking distance from my house in Workland and made a commitment of swimming laps every other day at 5am before going to work. I was determined to be a better swimmer by the time the trip rolled around.
Hence, when he asked me if I was taking some dietary supplement my sis was eating to shed her pregnancy weight, i scoffed and told him I wasn't but I had been going swimming to prepare for the trip. He complimented me by saying I was looking leaner so in a completely nonchalant way I said I'm glad the results can be seen or not I would be very pissed all my waking up early and swimming wasn't working out. I did feel uncomfortable about the compliment but thought not to overthink. He got a call from my sis just then, they talked a bit and then they hung up. As soon as the call ended, my phone rang. It was my sis. She asked me what I was doing and told me my bro-in-law was on his way to the apartment. I told her that he was already sitting on the couch and we were talking. She laughed and just said that she was on the way back too. We hung up. After that, my bro-in-law and I talked a lil bit more about swimming and exercise before falling quiet. I tried to ignore that awkward silence, glancing from the tv screen and to him and back again to the screen. When I looked at him, he gave me this weird smile and raised his eyebrows at me. I didn't know what he was trying to convey to me so I just sort of smiled back and looked back at the tv. He was, at the beginning, sitting at the other end of the living room whilst I was sat on the floor close to the TV .
Then he started talking about how he used to run quite a bit as a workout. He's telling me that he doesn't do it anymore because after he strained his ankle one time and went to a chinese masseuse, his sprain went away but apparently the guy's massage caused his feet to have bunions. As a person who has large bunions which I inherited through the gene pool and likely exacerbated by my love of closed toe heels, I did find this odd cos I never knew that bunions could be massaged into existence but I figured I wouldn't question it. I still don't know if it's true you can get bunions like that cos I never googled it. Googling it would mean I would think about what happened and i really don't want to have replays in my head 24/7.
He was pointing out his bunions and I was like rolling my eyes and telling him mine were worse off than his. He then moved off of the 3-seater sofa and came over to the love seat that I was sitting next to on the floor. He perched himself on the edge of the seat and asked to see my foot. Since we were talking about bunions, I just put my foot out and showed him my bunion. He asked if he could touch it, I didn't think that was odd so said okay. He pressed it and was murmuring that it had hardened, and some other stuff. I didn't respond anything. He continued to sit there and we kept on talking about feet and shoes and I did remember thinking that I was uncomfortable that he was where he was but I didn't want to move away cos I really wanted things to be normal. Like a brother and a sister thing. As I'm thinking this, he was still talking about the bunion and then bent down to press it again. He asked me if it hurt, I just answered him honestly that it didn't. Then as he was withdrawing back, he patted me on my shoulder. So, here I am thinking that I'm surprised we're getting along this chummy. I mean, you feel comfortable enough to touch my bunion and pat my shoulder. Okay, I'm not but again, I don't want my general awkwardness with human contact make him think I was uncomfortable even though I am. I just wanted to be a good sister.
After he pats me, he commented that my shoulders were sturdy, that my swimming must have tightened the muscles. So we got back to discussing the swimming. And he was saying that it was good that my back was like that. He asked me to jiggle my arms, you know that part of the underarm that for most women in general is wobbly. I said that even though I've been swimming, that was still jiggly but I did it anyway. And he was saying that if I continued with the swimming after Phuket that that would definitely be trimmer. He mentioned that he also wasn't as toned there as he used to be and showed me. I just nodded along noncommittal-y - it was a surreal conversation, us talking about exercise and whatnot. I really thought we were doing well with the small talk. He then asked me if all the swimming caused any muscle knots. I said mainly that I didn't feel any knots except for a spot just beneath my left shoulder blade. He then poked a spot on my back and asked if it was there. I'm surprised but I said no, that it was little higher than that and he pressed his finger to a different spot so I just said that was the spot cos now I'm just thinking this is weird. He suddenly says sorry and puts a hand on my shoulder whilst the other hand starts kneading the spot I just said I had a knot. He is now kneeling behind me on the floor.
I'm in shock. In my head i want him to stop but I'm afraid to verbalize it. I don't know how to say it without hurting his feelings and making things awkward for us. We did just get to a place of civility. So I shut up as he massages the spot. But my body is tense cos like I said, I am awkward with contact, I can only stand it if it's my immediate family or a boyfriend. I'm extremely ticklish too. He, I believe, thinks my rigid posture is a sign of my tense muscles from the swimming and starts massaging my shoulders. I do not make any sound. He keeps massaging me. I am trying to be rigid and quiet. He then says to me, "You know, if you want a private massage, you can just ask me anytime. But we need to keep this between us, no need to tell A" (A is my sis). I heard what he said and I wanted to die. Something I have come to realize about myself is I don't typically respond in the right/sanest way when i am caught in situations like this which is to get myself away, preferably by slapping the offender, and finding a place to hide. All I could think in that moment was I really wanted to get away, to get up and go lock myself in a room till my sister came back but what stopped me was the explanation I would have to give her once she returned, what the hell do I say to my sister? What would he do if I had done that? So instead, my reply was just, "Huh?". He must have thought I didn't hear him cos he repeated his "offer" even letting out a nervous giggle at the end. I just went "Hmm" in as neutral a tone as I could manage. I don't know why I didn't just tell him to get his hands off of me, I wish, wish to God that I had not reacted the way I did. He kept on massaging my shoulders, his hands going up and down my back all the way down to my tailbone as I'm starting to have that out of body feeling like what the hell is going on and what the hell do i do?
He suddenly tells me to lie down on my front. I went, "huh?" I obviously don't want to but he pushes my back a little telling me that it will be better and I end up doing what he says. He starts massaging my legs, going from my calves to my thighs. I'm extra sensitive in the thigh area. So I started wriggling and involuntarily laughing cos I'm ticklish there. Then I hear him shushing me laughingly. He keeps doing what he's doing and again I can't help but give the same reaction. Again he shushes me but this time i tell him that I'm just a ticklish person. And he simply moves his hands back to my back, massaging me again while amusedly commenting about the knowledge about my ticklishness. His hands are on my waist which is another of my ticklish spots so I'm trying to move away from the touch and he comments again in some amused tone saying that I'm just ticklish all over. I tell him again, yes, I'm just a ticklish person so he then says, "okay, okay, i'll stop" As i'm trying to get up, he smacks my butt and tells me he couldn't help himself. I get it now when people go numb from something traumatizing, I understand why instead of fighting or fleeing that some people just take it. I learned with so much regret that day that I am that kind of person. As I get myself back into a cross legged sitting position, he, who is kneeling behind me, again puts his hand on my shoulders and massages it a few times, pressing himself into my back. The first time I feel it, I immediately arch my back away from the touch. I can't be sure but I can only think that he was pressing his erection into my back. As I type this I really want to cry but I'm tired of doing that too.
At that he say, "Okay, Okay" again and stand up. I immediately turn around and put some distance between us. He looks at my face, I am trying not to lose my shit, I honestly have no clue what my face looked like then. He is smiling and laughing a little, nervously. His breathing also sounds heavy. I just don't say anything and pick up the glass that I was drinking from earlier and went to the kitchen. He stayed in the living room. I was glad he stayed there. I was starting to freak out, the things that just happened were starting to replay in my head. I kept telling myself to calm down. I got myself a glass of water, took the glass to the sink once finished and deliberately took my time to wash the glass. I could feel his eyes on my back as he stood watching me from the living room. Once I had no more excuse to loiter, I turned around and walked out of the kitchen but stood just outside of the kitchen doorway cos he started walking to me. He started saying he was sorry as he walked up to me and he lifted his arms and tried to hug me. This time I tried to avoid him as I turned away he kept his arms around me and I felt his lips kiss me on my neck. On the left side of my neck. I still shudder when I remember it. I felt and still feel so dirty. I sometimes try to rub off the memory though I know that's not logical. As he "apologizes", he also tells me not to tell his wife. I hear myself tell him calmly, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone". My intention at the time was true, I wasn't going to tell anyone. i was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I was upset with myself. If i could keep it to myself and wish it away, I would have. I broke away from him and walked out of his grasp and as I was probably like 4 strides away, we both heard the front door key to the apartment. He gave me one last look, I feel like i saw a bit of fear on his face, before he turned to help his wife who was pushing the stroller with his son in it through the door. I stayed in my spot as I watched him play the doting husband/father before telling my sis I was gonna get changed for the luncheon.
I went into the spare bedroom where my clothes were. The moment I was inside, I locked the door and I could only look at myself in the mirror in dismay. I wanted so much to cry but I was about to go out and see my mom, dad, et al. How do I explain the tears? So I keep it bottled in. I attempt to calmly get ready. I hear my sis turning the door knob wanting to come in and telling me to open the door. I wish I could have kept that door locked. How the hell do I face my sister? I open it after a bit. I try to keep things normal. I wasn't in the drama club in high school for nothing. I know I sound like I'm making a joke but much of my life sometimes I feel that I'm constantly acting. Acting, putting up a facade so this person doesn't know a certain thing or those people don't know. I am tired. I think that's partly why i enjoy staying here in Workland by my lonesome even though i'm a mommy and daddy's girl through and through. Here in Workland, i can be myself, i don't have to pretend to keep in the knowledge of the things that I know or have happened to me from the people that I love the most.
I have many moments in a day, in a week, in the months since then that I have unfortunately recalled that day and wondered why. Why did this happen to me? I go over the way I acted up to the point he started touching me and I can't for the life of me figure out if I unwittingly encouraged him to be like that. I fucking don't believe I was being flirty, I wouldn't, I didn't even like him until after Danial was born. Even after that I was tolerating him, it was just civil. Was it the way that I acted that he perceived to be permission to act that way? I definitely don't think it was what I was wearing. It was a tee and loose yoga pants. My hair was up in a craw clip, my face was bare. I was just in lounge mode. I also wonder what kind of person he thinks I am? That I would cheat with him? That I would go for my sister's husband? That I would do that to my sister? THAT I WOULD DO THAT TO MY SISTER?!?!?! It baffles me!! Does he see me as some morally bankrupt individual that I would do that to my own flesh and blood. To my sister that i love?
I also end up wondering why this seems to always happen to me. Because the kicker is, I've also been kissed by my other sister's husband. Yes, as if one sister's husband wasn't enough, I have two who have behaved despicably towards me. That is why I always end up wondering if it is me. I don't know if the way I act with them, which is IN NO WAY girly, flirty, seductive, would be an indicator that I'm fair game to be treated this way. It seriously baffles me. BAFFLES ME. I am completely confounded by this. The occasion in which that happened was many years ago, I think I was 23 back then. My sister was working in the hospitality industry that time and wasn't back from work yet that night which was around 9:30-ish. I remember my parents were in Turkey, they were there for my dad to try out the fish doctor psoriasis treatment and were gone for about 2 months. We were all living in my childhood home, the one all of us still live in now. At the time, my sis was pregnant with her second child. I was just out of university and I was downstairs watching TV on the couch when my bro-in-law came home. He asked me where my sis was and I said that she wasn't back yet. I concentrated back on the screen when I heard him say that he had a headache. He suddenly came next to me, sat down and told me he wanted to lay his head down in my lap. Before I could say anything he had done exactly that. It was a good thing I had been holding a pillow in my lap when it happened. He seemed kinda out of it, like he was high or something. I always wonder if that night he hadn't been smoking pot or on some kind of drug or whatever before coming back cos I had never seen him act like that before. Flirty, yes, high, no. Since I have no experience in smoking joints - just eating them as a topping on pizzas, I have no clue what the smell is like, he just smelled like he normally did, like cigarette smoke since he's a pretty heavy smoker. Anyway, he asked me to massage his head, I was taken aback and really didn't want to but did as asked. Then I stopped after a bit when he said he was good and he got up from my lap. Suddenly he moved towards me which took me by surprise. I instinctively moved away but he put his hand on my face to turn my face towards him and kissed my mouth. He then said something along the lines like, see, if you didn't move then I wouldn't have had to do that. I have no clue what it meant and I am pretty sure I was very dumbstruck about what just happened. I didn't say anything. He then walked away from me and went outside the house, I presume to smoke. Immediately I ran upstairs to my parent's bedroom, locked the door and called my eldest sis to tell her what happened. She told me to stay inside and keep the door locked. After that incident, he never tried anything with me again.
I grew up with sisters. When my 2nd sis married, I thought it was nice that I would finally know what it was like to have a brother. I feel pity for that girl that I was, gosh, I was so naive. I should have known better. My second sister's husband acted weird from early on. Right after they were married and he started staying with us, he and I were downstairs in the living room one night looking at one of their wedding album. There was a picture of me in a traditional outfit. He showed me the picture and told me that he was really proud to have such a beautiful sister-in-law like me. Then he came over to where I was sitting and kissed me on the forehead. I was, again, surprised, and thought that was weird then but did not mention it to anyone till way later when this brother-in-law of mine started acting even worse and we were trying to tell my sis to make a decision about him. He made moves on my same age cousin when she was living at my house, made my uni best friend uncomfortable when she was living with me as well not to mention the 2 (? could be more, it's 2 that I know of) times he cheated on my sister. He seems to have changed in the last 3 or so years. I am as civil as I can be with him. When I am in Homeland we are all under the same roof after all. Despite everything, he is the father of the nephew and 2 nieces that I love so much. I still keep my distance from him though in the sense that I will make sure never to find myself alone with him and I'm very careful to be always fully and decently clothed around him.
Is it any wonder then that I have issues with men. They stem from very real reasons - I have 2 scummy brother-in-laws. If I can't trust the men my sister's married, how do I even begin to attempt a relationship of my own? And growing up Asian, these are not things you openly expose for all and sundry, y'know? The incidences above, my mother knows about them. When I told her what my bro-in-law did after coming back from the luncheon, where I held myself together as best as I could, even volunteering to go sit with the kids so I wouldn't have to sit at the main table where he was, cos I couldn't keep it to myself> I had every intention not to say anything but the things that happened kept replaying in my head. I needed someone to know what he did, what he had done. I needed someone not to be fooled by the act he had on - that he was still a problem we needed to be weary off. My mom sighed and generally commented what the hell was wrong with the men her daughters married. She also asked why it seemed to happen to me - I don't think she was accusing me of anything, it is something to ponder why BOTH husbands of her other daughters would treat me that way. In my fragile state of mind though, her question made me cry and I told her that I didn't encourage them and that I also wonder why this happens to me. All she could do was tell me to stay away from them. What else is there to do? My 2nd sis, at that time, had a son and a daughter on the way, how do you tell her that her husband kissed her sister? The incident that happened last year, what do I say? Oh, yeah, your apparently turned-over-a-new-leaf husband made a pass at me, he even said i could take him up on his "private massage" anytime but not to tell you about it.
Typing all this out, I dunno if this will help me or not. I still have to keep these secrets from the 2 people I love so I have no clue if unburdening all this here will be cathartic in any way. Is it fair for me to blame these incidents and some of the other stuff I have written about regarding my relationship with men as the reason for my inability to try to build a relationship with someone? I don't doubt these things have contributed to my lack of a love life. If you were to ask me when I was 18 and so in love with my first boyfriend G if this is how I saw myself turning out, I would have told you, "No Way!" I remember thinking that I'd be married by 25 and have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and I'd be happy. I was laughing at myself a couple of months ago when I thought back about that. How life skewered completely from what that girl imagined.
At the heart of it all, I'm tired. I don't want to think about what happened. I really wish I could just lock this all away in the back of my mind and not have it dredged up every time I have to be around them. I hate my vivid memory, in this case I don't consider it a good thing that I can remember every detail of the bad things that happened to me. I really want to forget it and I want to not have to face these replays. I've even started thinking that once my parents are no longer around, I want to disappear, be anonymous, be anyone. I always wonder if I have the courage to just walk away. To be honest, I don't think I do. As much as I am a loner, I love my sisters and my nephews and nieces too much. But I'm so tired of loathing them, men and myself. I find it unfair that these things that happened made me question my own behavior. Made me question how I appear to other people. Made me ask myself too many why's which i don't have the answers to. I am tired of being made to feel like I may have brought this upon myself when I believe truly in my heart that I did not. I am very tired. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, I just wish I knew why they happened to me.
