As is getting to be the norm when it's close to my time of the month, I suffer from a bit of mild insomnia. I will feel real sleepy but when all the lights are out and I'm lying down on my back, I end up staring at the ceiling and thoughts will start overwhelming my brain. Seems like I can't be relaxed.
Last night, there I was, in bed, feeling tired and sleepy but again, the moment the back of my head hits my mattress (since I don't really sleep atop pillows, I like to squeeze my head in the space between pillows, hehe), and I was thinking about my friend who is coming up today to spend the week with me. And that led to me thinking about the holiday I had to cancel because of my whole work thing that initially was about something else but now has evolved into a smaller yet still problematic thing. And I felt that stab of disappointment about having to cancel and simply stay here in this city.
I was thinking that even though I took leave, it just wasn't gonna feel like much of a holiday. I was still gonna have to make myself available to work calls and the like. And that got me feeling depressed. It led me to think that I have not felt rested on any of the holidays I've been on these past few times. I can't even recall the last time I was on holiday and I wasn't bothered by work stuff. I guess it can be said that I've let work infiltrate my personal life.
And you know what, it has. That's what I came to realize. I have allowed work to fuse with my personal space. I also realized that I don't know how to seperate the two. Which brings me to my dilemma - I feel that the reason this has happened is because I work in a company where my eldest sis is the MD and my other sis is the Business Development Exec. I have a cousin who is a graphics designer in the company, though he's leaving soon but another cousin is a 3D Visualization Artist. The workplace is pretty much incestuous for me <- for lack of a better way to describe it. Even when I'm supposed to be on holiday, work always permeates conversations because emails and issues and calls don't stop just because I'm on holiday. I may not be completely available but I am always around my sisters who talk shop and I end up 'working' too. I never get a break when I'm supposed to be on break.
Honestly, I need to learn to seperate my ME time from work. It's getting to the point where I actually don't enjoy going back to Homeland because I have an MD who does not realize the boundaries between work and home. For her, everything bleeds into each other. I am also at fault for allowing this to fester and grow until it's become a norm. What I need is just to have a break where I don't see my eldest sis cos she really is horrible at keeping the two lives apart. Since I can't go back to Homeland to be able to do that, I am thinking I just need to go somewhere either by myself or with someone and just truly have a holiday before I am driven nuts by this.
My other option is to leave this job. Not a thought I haven't considered. of course I have. I think I've mentioned before but I don't think I'll do it. Firstly, it's difficult to tell your boss who's also your sister that you want to leave. I have like put it out there before and though she said the right stuff like it is my life and she wouldn't take it personally, I know my sister well enough - she ALWAYS takes it personally. It's of course not all about her. Professionally, I have grown up in this company, I know what I bring to the table here and I know I do it extremely well (allow me this moment of pompousness:D). If I left and joined another place, I don't know how I would ultimately fit in that work culture. I don't even know if I want to remain in this line of work. Hell, if I'm completely honest, this wasn't even my choosing; this industry I'm working in! Lol. I just went with the flow and though I am good at what I do and I deliver, I didn't even choose to do this. Yet, I don't know what else I could do. How would I move on from this to do something that is of my own choosing? Perhaps I allow myself to continue so that I don't have to blame myself if things don't work out. As if I can say, "Well, I didn't choose this life for myself, somebody else made that decision for me." which is the ultimate accountability avoidance! And ironically enough, I feel I am the most accountable employee they have, hehehe!
Gosh, all this self-examination is making me even more depressed, lol. I'm just gonna stop now and maybe think about planning a nice holiday sans phones, boss/sisters and work :D
Last night, there I was, in bed, feeling tired and sleepy but again, the moment the back of my head hits my mattress (since I don't really sleep atop pillows, I like to squeeze my head in the space between pillows, hehe), and I was thinking about my friend who is coming up today to spend the week with me. And that led to me thinking about the holiday I had to cancel because of my whole work thing that initially was about something else but now has evolved into a smaller yet still problematic thing. And I felt that stab of disappointment about having to cancel and simply stay here in this city.
I was thinking that even though I took leave, it just wasn't gonna feel like much of a holiday. I was still gonna have to make myself available to work calls and the like. And that got me feeling depressed. It led me to think that I have not felt rested on any of the holidays I've been on these past few times. I can't even recall the last time I was on holiday and I wasn't bothered by work stuff. I guess it can be said that I've let work infiltrate my personal life.
And you know what, it has. That's what I came to realize. I have allowed work to fuse with my personal space. I also realized that I don't know how to seperate the two. Which brings me to my dilemma - I feel that the reason this has happened is because I work in a company where my eldest sis is the MD and my other sis is the Business Development Exec. I have a cousin who is a graphics designer in the company, though he's leaving soon but another cousin is a 3D Visualization Artist. The workplace is pretty much incestuous for me <- for lack of a better way to describe it. Even when I'm supposed to be on holiday, work always permeates conversations because emails and issues and calls don't stop just because I'm on holiday. I may not be completely available but I am always around my sisters who talk shop and I end up 'working' too. I never get a break when I'm supposed to be on break.
Honestly, I need to learn to seperate my ME time from work. It's getting to the point where I actually don't enjoy going back to Homeland because I have an MD who does not realize the boundaries between work and home. For her, everything bleeds into each other. I am also at fault for allowing this to fester and grow until it's become a norm. What I need is just to have a break where I don't see my eldest sis cos she really is horrible at keeping the two lives apart. Since I can't go back to Homeland to be able to do that, I am thinking I just need to go somewhere either by myself or with someone and just truly have a holiday before I am driven nuts by this.
My other option is to leave this job. Not a thought I haven't considered. of course I have. I think I've mentioned before but I don't think I'll do it. Firstly, it's difficult to tell your boss who's also your sister that you want to leave. I have like put it out there before and though she said the right stuff like it is my life and she wouldn't take it personally, I know my sister well enough - she ALWAYS takes it personally. It's of course not all about her. Professionally, I have grown up in this company, I know what I bring to the table here and I know I do it extremely well (allow me this moment of pompousness:D). If I left and joined another place, I don't know how I would ultimately fit in that work culture. I don't even know if I want to remain in this line of work. Hell, if I'm completely honest, this wasn't even my choosing; this industry I'm working in! Lol. I just went with the flow and though I am good at what I do and I deliver, I didn't even choose to do this. Yet, I don't know what else I could do. How would I move on from this to do something that is of my own choosing? Perhaps I allow myself to continue so that I don't have to blame myself if things don't work out. As if I can say, "Well, I didn't choose this life for myself, somebody else made that decision for me." which is the ultimate accountability avoidance! And ironically enough, I feel I am the most accountable employee they have, hehehe!
Gosh, all this self-examination is making me even more depressed, lol. I'm just gonna stop now and maybe think about planning a nice holiday sans phones, boss/sisters and work :D
