So, I'm having other boy related issues aside from the G thing and my flirting with Juan. It's been bugging me since I got back from work and I thought I'd try to vent here and see if it makes me feel better.
Colleague who's in love with me, we'll call him Y, is making me feel crappy. I don't think I should feel bad about him but I do anyways. It's not within my power to reciprocate his feelings and when he goes into his bouts of...of...longing (?), I get irritated and I act indifferent. Then his feelings get hurt.
Since his confession/admission last February, we have talked about his feelings (and the lack of mine). All these times, I have tried to be supportive and encouraged him to meet other people and give other girls a chance but he says that he feels burned by the thing with me and is scared. Again, not my responsibility. I have not encouraged him further (if at all) and have tried valiantly to keep maintaining a friendly but firmly non-romantic demeanor.
And why is it should he expect that his confession should warrant the result he hopes? That's what baffles me. This isn't the first time someone has declared their love for me and seem to have expectations of me falling at their feet in gratitude. Why do these guys don't get that feelings are a two way street. Just because one of you have 'em does not mean that the other person will too once you reveal your hand to them.
He's talked about moving on to a different job and whatnot and though I feel he's an integral part of the team, I don't discourage/encourage him in his decisions. If any changes are forthcoming, it will be wholly his decision and I will play no active part in him taking it. For selfish reasons, I want him to get over me and just stay put because if he leaves, I am screwed on the work front, what with having to undertake his side of the job on top of my own. On a personal front, at least I will more comfortable without having him making eyes at me.
Today he kept staring at me during the ride back home. During the times when it started irritating me, I would look back at him but keep my face blank until he looked away but the last straw was when we had the staredown and he wasn't backing down so I looked away first but before that, I made sure he saw the irritation on my face. I narrowed my eyes and frowned in annoyance. I had told him before that I despised being looked at as it makes me feel uncomfortable and I will always frown when I find him looking at me. I guess he now understands the subtleties of my expressions cos he looked sad afterwards.
Then I kept seeing him rubbing his left eye. I suspected he was trying to not cry. I am not saying he was teary because of me. When we got back to our house, I asked him why he looked sad. He didn't say anything but kept looking at me. I asked him if he was crying. Then he just shook his head and said that it was nothing. I then walked off to my apartment but said for him to not feel sad.
I don't know that it was me that made him sad but he has me feeling bad right now. I cannot help the way I feel and I cannot help the way he feels. It's just a messy emotional landmine that sometimes I just don't have the patience to deal with. I don't know if I am not being clear enough about my non-feelings for him. I have told him directly that I am not intersted in him that way, that I don't think I'll ever fall in love again and so on, so forth. Despite his saying he understands, I can't help shake the feeling he hopes I'll change my mind or that his actions will change my mind.
I remember during one discussion we were having and I told him that I am not the girl for his first serious relationship and he said to me that he didn't want me as a girlfriend but to make me his wife. I cannot comprehend how you can come to the conclusion that you want to marry someone without knowing if the other person feels anything in the same ballpark as you. Why do you do this to yourself? It seriously baffles me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
Colleague who's in love with me, we'll call him Y, is making me feel crappy. I don't think I should feel bad about him but I do anyways. It's not within my power to reciprocate his feelings and when he goes into his bouts of...of...longing (?), I get irritated and I act indifferent. Then his feelings get hurt.
Since his confession/admission last February, we have talked about his feelings (and the lack of mine). All these times, I have tried to be supportive and encouraged him to meet other people and give other girls a chance but he says that he feels burned by the thing with me and is scared. Again, not my responsibility. I have not encouraged him further (if at all) and have tried valiantly to keep maintaining a friendly but firmly non-romantic demeanor.
And why is it should he expect that his confession should warrant the result he hopes? That's what baffles me. This isn't the first time someone has declared their love for me and seem to have expectations of me falling at their feet in gratitude. Why do these guys don't get that feelings are a two way street. Just because one of you have 'em does not mean that the other person will too once you reveal your hand to them.
He's talked about moving on to a different job and whatnot and though I feel he's an integral part of the team, I don't discourage/encourage him in his decisions. If any changes are forthcoming, it will be wholly his decision and I will play no active part in him taking it. For selfish reasons, I want him to get over me and just stay put because if he leaves, I am screwed on the work front, what with having to undertake his side of the job on top of my own. On a personal front, at least I will more comfortable without having him making eyes at me.
Today he kept staring at me during the ride back home. During the times when it started irritating me, I would look back at him but keep my face blank until he looked away but the last straw was when we had the staredown and he wasn't backing down so I looked away first but before that, I made sure he saw the irritation on my face. I narrowed my eyes and frowned in annoyance. I had told him before that I despised being looked at as it makes me feel uncomfortable and I will always frown when I find him looking at me. I guess he now understands the subtleties of my expressions cos he looked sad afterwards.
Then I kept seeing him rubbing his left eye. I suspected he was trying to not cry. I am not saying he was teary because of me. When we got back to our house, I asked him why he looked sad. He didn't say anything but kept looking at me. I asked him if he was crying. Then he just shook his head and said that it was nothing. I then walked off to my apartment but said for him to not feel sad.
I don't know that it was me that made him sad but he has me feeling bad right now. I cannot help the way I feel and I cannot help the way he feels. It's just a messy emotional landmine that sometimes I just don't have the patience to deal with. I don't know if I am not being clear enough about my non-feelings for him. I have told him directly that I am not intersted in him that way, that I don't think I'll ever fall in love again and so on, so forth. Despite his saying he understands, I can't help shake the feeling he hopes I'll change my mind or that his actions will change my mind.
I remember during one discussion we were having and I told him that I am not the girl for his first serious relationship and he said to me that he didn't want me as a girlfriend but to make me his wife. I cannot comprehend how you can come to the conclusion that you want to marry someone without knowing if the other person feels anything in the same ballpark as you. Why do you do this to yourself? It seriously baffles me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
