I once again had a dream about my first boyfriend. I don't know why I keep having emotionally disturbing dreams about him. I can't conceive that my online window shopping at Bloomingdales, which was the last activity I did before going to sleep, was the trigger to thoughts of my unreasonable unresolved feelings I have for him.
I've told myself multiple times that it's been, now, 11 years since we've ended and I should really stop holding him up as the shining example of the ultimate relationship I've ever had. I mean if it was really as perfect as I seem to remember it, it wouldn't have ended, we'd still be together. I realize as well that he's not the same guy he was back then. It has been 11 years, he's changed, I've changed. We could be two completely different people who don't have anything in common anymore. And who knows if, we had still been together, that we would still like one another after all this time.
Yet, I wake up from that dream feeling disturbed. The last time it was some yearning thing. This time, we made contact, we talked, there was some kind of unspoken want to get back together (which did happen a lot in reality for 2-3 years between us) but for some reason that desire to get back together wasn't uttered aloud (which happened a lot in reality as well). Then there was a shift in the dream and suddenly one of my best gal pals I've known since 10 was in the dream. She and my ex went to the same University way back and in this dream she was telling me about how she and my ex had been seeing each other.
I'm not sure how dreams work but I think it's unfair that they can induce acute emotions. The situation is not even real, why does it have to evoke any feelings at all? For one, of course I'm feeling betrayed. And jealous. And I want my ex back desperately. Seriously, I really would love to get over the guy and to stop holding him up on this pedestal but I don't know why it's tough for me to move on. I know if I hear he's married it'll probably help but at the same time, I'm afraid I'll just give up on ever finding someone so that's why I don't make the effort to find out. Yes, I guess, some part of me wants to end up with him though like I mentioned above, he's most likely not the person my memories so dearly hold on to. Anyway, in this dream, he's non-committal to my friend. He's dating her but at the same time it's as if he wantd to see if we can get it together like before. I don't want to be caught in the middle between them and I tell him that. I ask my friend why she made the decision to date him knowing that he was the love of my life. All she could say was she found him attractive and kind and nice and why wouldn't she. I wanted her to be loyal to me and give him up but I didn't ask. I didn't ask my ex to give her up either, I wanted him to choose me without my saying so but it's as if he was also afraid to revisit our relationship.
Then, thankfully, I woke up and the first thing I did was sigh. I said aloud to no one.....well.....to my ex, for him to get out of my head and away from my dreams. I hate how he leaves me feeling emotionally charged. I hate that I pin too much unrealistic feelings on him. I can't believe how attached I am still after all these years. I want to not yearn for him. I don't want to have weird dreams about him any longer. Uggh, I'm annoyed with me.
UPDATE (24/04/2010):
Just read this article online and was disturbed when I read the following quote by Dr. Stickgold:
“The things that really grip you, the ones you decide at an emotional level are really important, those are the ones you dream about. The things you’re obsessed with are the ones that your brain forces you to continue to process.”
That does not make me feel better about the dream in the slightest. Sigh. Get over him, Zlena, just get over him.
I've told myself multiple times that it's been, now, 11 years since we've ended and I should really stop holding him up as the shining example of the ultimate relationship I've ever had. I mean if it was really as perfect as I seem to remember it, it wouldn't have ended, we'd still be together. I realize as well that he's not the same guy he was back then. It has been 11 years, he's changed, I've changed. We could be two completely different people who don't have anything in common anymore. And who knows if, we had still been together, that we would still like one another after all this time.
Yet, I wake up from that dream feeling disturbed. The last time it was some yearning thing. This time, we made contact, we talked, there was some kind of unspoken want to get back together (which did happen a lot in reality for 2-3 years between us) but for some reason that desire to get back together wasn't uttered aloud (which happened a lot in reality as well). Then there was a shift in the dream and suddenly one of my best gal pals I've known since 10 was in the dream. She and my ex went to the same University way back and in this dream she was telling me about how she and my ex had been seeing each other.
I'm not sure how dreams work but I think it's unfair that they can induce acute emotions. The situation is not even real, why does it have to evoke any feelings at all? For one, of course I'm feeling betrayed. And jealous. And I want my ex back desperately. Seriously, I really would love to get over the guy and to stop holding him up on this pedestal but I don't know why it's tough for me to move on. I know if I hear he's married it'll probably help but at the same time, I'm afraid I'll just give up on ever finding someone so that's why I don't make the effort to find out. Yes, I guess, some part of me wants to end up with him though like I mentioned above, he's most likely not the person my memories so dearly hold on to. Anyway, in this dream, he's non-committal to my friend. He's dating her but at the same time it's as if he wantd to see if we can get it together like before. I don't want to be caught in the middle between them and I tell him that. I ask my friend why she made the decision to date him knowing that he was the love of my life. All she could say was she found him attractive and kind and nice and why wouldn't she. I wanted her to be loyal to me and give him up but I didn't ask. I didn't ask my ex to give her up either, I wanted him to choose me without my saying so but it's as if he was also afraid to revisit our relationship.
Then, thankfully, I woke up and the first thing I did was sigh. I said aloud to no one.....well.....to my ex, for him to get out of my head and away from my dreams. I hate how he leaves me feeling emotionally charged. I hate that I pin too much unrealistic feelings on him. I can't believe how attached I am still after all these years. I want to not yearn for him. I don't want to have weird dreams about him any longer. Uggh, I'm annoyed with me.
UPDATE (24/04/2010):
Just read this article online and was disturbed when I read the following quote by Dr. Stickgold:
“The things that really grip you, the ones you decide at an emotional level are really important, those are the ones you dream about. The things you’re obsessed with are the ones that your brain forces you to continue to process.”
That does not make me feel better about the dream in the slightest. Sigh. Get over him, Zlena, just get over him.
