I hate V-Day with a passion. And the week leading up to it in fact. I hate how it brings out this side of people that would usually never see the light of day.
In the previous post I talked about my long-ago crush finding me on Facebook out of the blue. While flattered, the attraction I felt way back when, is no longer alive but I felt it was nice that we could start emailing and catching up on the last ten years of our lives. We emailed back and forth a couple of times but when I didn't reply the last email he sent me with the haste in which he wanted, where he suggested we meet up when I'm back in Homeland, I got this sarcastic email asking if I'm soooo busy that I couldn't spend a few minutes shooting him a response. This effing well irritates me. Don't make claims on my time/schedule. You and I NEVER had any kind of meaningful interaction so who are you to demand any extras that I wouldn't afford other acquaintances. I don't have internet access during the day as I work in a secure facility that bars access to protect the network. It isn't necessary for us to have internet connection anyways as our operations doesn't depend on it. Although I did not owe him any explanation, I did reply to his sarcastic email and gave him the reason his last email was not answered post-haste. I have not received a reply from him and because of that, am not bothering to reply him on his meet-up email. It's no loss to me.
Then, this morning, as I'm gathering my laundry after washing, my colleague who lives in the apartment above me, suddenly declared that he loves me. Yes, as I'm stuffing my clean clothes into my basket, I saw him making googly eyes at me and I started feeling the pinpricks of annoyance. Then just as I was headed up to my apartment, he told me he needed to tell me something, that he couldn't keep it inside anymore because it was destroying his peace of mind. And then he said, "I just want to tell you I love you". On Valentines day no less. All I could do in response was put down my laundry basket and just smile uncomfortably, wracking my brain as to how I was going to tell him I didn't feel the same way.
Sigh. I had an inkling he had feelings for me but I never thought he'd actually make them known. Now, I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable. Obviously I do not reciprocate his feelings but he's also a good friend of mine and I hate how this will undoubtedly change the dynamics of our friendship. He already displayed behavior that was more than friendly but everytime this happens I will subtly try to shut it down or I'll keep my distance until he manages to get himself under control. We used to have coffee sessions just to chit chat but now I'm reluctant to go anywhere with him. I wish to God he never made his declaration but once it's out there, it can't be taken back. All I could say was that I'm sure he was aware that I could never return his affections. We are of differing religions and if I were to ever marry, I will only marry someone of my own belief. He is a devout follower of his religion. I told him it would not happen as I don't see him converting. He said that he could but I told him that one shouldn't change their belief system for love. If a person wants to make such a big change, they have to do it out of the sincerity of their heart and own free will. I've observed people who have changed religion for love almost always end up resenting their partner. Love should never be a barometer in this kind of situations. I also told him that we should just continue as before and I hoped he would cease his feelings for me. I asked him to open up his mind and heart to other possibilites. I even went as far as to say that he should not put me on a pedestal nor idealize me as a romantic interest, because I know he does, I can see it in his face when we talk or whenever he's looking at me when he thinks I'm not aware. I told him I'm not the nicest person and that I'm not all as fantastic as he thinks I am. I had to say that I don't think I am capable of those kind of feelings anymore, not just with him, but with anyone at all. All that I told him was true, especially the part of not being able to fall in love. Perhaps the words will come back to bite me one day but for the last 5 years, that is how it is.
This is why I loathe this lead-up to the day of love and the day itself. Everywhere you are bombarded by romanticism and all the other crap that it puts people in a funny state of mind. I was forced to tell my good friend, my colleague that I have to work side by side with every single working day, and whom I live in the same building with, to try to stop feeling whatever it is he's feeling because I know, despite his protestations otherwise, that my not being able to reciprocate will become something he can hate me over.
I hate Valentines Day :(
In the previous post I talked about my long-ago crush finding me on Facebook out of the blue. While flattered, the attraction I felt way back when, is no longer alive but I felt it was nice that we could start emailing and catching up on the last ten years of our lives. We emailed back and forth a couple of times but when I didn't reply the last email he sent me with the haste in which he wanted, where he suggested we meet up when I'm back in Homeland, I got this sarcastic email asking if I'm soooo busy that I couldn't spend a few minutes shooting him a response. This effing well irritates me. Don't make claims on my time/schedule. You and I NEVER had any kind of meaningful interaction so who are you to demand any extras that I wouldn't afford other acquaintances. I don't have internet access during the day as I work in a secure facility that bars access to protect the network. It isn't necessary for us to have internet connection anyways as our operations doesn't depend on it. Although I did not owe him any explanation, I did reply to his sarcastic email and gave him the reason his last email was not answered post-haste. I have not received a reply from him and because of that, am not bothering to reply him on his meet-up email. It's no loss to me.
Then, this morning, as I'm gathering my laundry after washing, my colleague who lives in the apartment above me, suddenly declared that he loves me. Yes, as I'm stuffing my clean clothes into my basket, I saw him making googly eyes at me and I started feeling the pinpricks of annoyance. Then just as I was headed up to my apartment, he told me he needed to tell me something, that he couldn't keep it inside anymore because it was destroying his peace of mind. And then he said, "I just want to tell you I love you". On Valentines day no less. All I could do in response was put down my laundry basket and just smile uncomfortably, wracking my brain as to how I was going to tell him I didn't feel the same way.
Sigh. I had an inkling he had feelings for me but I never thought he'd actually make them known. Now, I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable. Obviously I do not reciprocate his feelings but he's also a good friend of mine and I hate how this will undoubtedly change the dynamics of our friendship. He already displayed behavior that was more than friendly but everytime this happens I will subtly try to shut it down or I'll keep my distance until he manages to get himself under control. We used to have coffee sessions just to chit chat but now I'm reluctant to go anywhere with him. I wish to God he never made his declaration but once it's out there, it can't be taken back. All I could say was that I'm sure he was aware that I could never return his affections. We are of differing religions and if I were to ever marry, I will only marry someone of my own belief. He is a devout follower of his religion. I told him it would not happen as I don't see him converting. He said that he could but I told him that one shouldn't change their belief system for love. If a person wants to make such a big change, they have to do it out of the sincerity of their heart and own free will. I've observed people who have changed religion for love almost always end up resenting their partner. Love should never be a barometer in this kind of situations. I also told him that we should just continue as before and I hoped he would cease his feelings for me. I asked him to open up his mind and heart to other possibilites. I even went as far as to say that he should not put me on a pedestal nor idealize me as a romantic interest, because I know he does, I can see it in his face when we talk or whenever he's looking at me when he thinks I'm not aware. I told him I'm not the nicest person and that I'm not all as fantastic as he thinks I am. I had to say that I don't think I am capable of those kind of feelings anymore, not just with him, but with anyone at all. All that I told him was true, especially the part of not being able to fall in love. Perhaps the words will come back to bite me one day but for the last 5 years, that is how it is.
This is why I loathe this lead-up to the day of love and the day itself. Everywhere you are bombarded by romanticism and all the other crap that it puts people in a funny state of mind. I was forced to tell my good friend, my colleague that I have to work side by side with every single working day, and whom I live in the same building with, to try to stop feeling whatever it is he's feeling because I know, despite his protestations otherwise, that my not being able to reciprocate will become something he can hate me over.
I hate Valentines Day :(
